The Story of the Giving God
Once there was a god …
and he loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come
and he would play make-believe with the god.
The boy loved the god … very much.
And the god loved the boy.
And the god was happy.
But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the god was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the god
and the god said, "Come, boy, come and
play make-believe with me and be happy.
"I am too big to play make-believe" said the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun.
I want some money!"
"I'm sorry," said the god, "but I have no money.
But I have arms to work with and make money.
Take my arms, boy, and eat them.
Eating my arms will make you strong and able to work.
Then you will have money and you will be happy."
And so the boy took a chainsaw
and cut off the god’s arms
and ate them.
The boy loved the god.
And the god was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time …
and the god was sad.
And then one day the boy came back
and the god shook with joy
and he said, "Come, boy, let’s play make-believe
and be happy."
"I am too busy to play games," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife and I want children.
So I need a house.
Can you give me a house?"
"I have no house," said the god.
But you may cut off
my legs and and eat them.
That will give you energy to build a house.
Then you will be happy."
And so the boy cut off the god’s legs.
And ate them, to get his house.
The boy loved the god.
And the god was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back,
the god was so happy
he could hardly speak.
"Come, boy," he whispered,
"come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play," said the boy.
"I want a drug that will free my mind.
Can you give me a drug?"
"I have no drug," said the god.
"But you may cut open my skull
and eat my brain," said the god.
"Then you can float away …
and be happy."
And so the boy cracked open the god’s skull
ate his brains and floated away.
The boy loved the god.
And the god was happy.
And after a long time
the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, boy,"
said the god, "but I have nothing
left to give you -
My arms are gone.
My legs are gone.
My brains are gone."
"My spirit is too weak
for living," said the boy.
"My brain is gone,"
repeated the god.
"I wish that I could give you something …
but I have nothing left.
I am just a brainless god.
I am sorry …"
"Well, fuck you," said the boy.
"What good is a god if he is
armless, legless and brainless?"
The boy hated the god.
And the god got what he deserved.
Shel Silverstein’s The Story of the Giving Tree remixed by Hogeye Bill.
A cautionary tale about selfless altruist shmoos and shameless parasite moochers.